Two women who was legally married here in Massachusetts in 2009 are now embroiled in a custody dispute as they go through a divorce in Mississippi. It’s a not-uncommon dilemma for gay couples who faced a patchwork of state laws regarding same-sex marriage prior to its national legalization. Same-sex marriage didn’t become legal in Mississippi until the June 2015 U.S. Supreme Court decision. It was still being battled in the courts until the following month. Although all states now have to legally recognize the rights of gay couples to marry, when it comes to getting divorced, particularly when there are children involved, many find themselves in a legal quagmire. The two women who returned to their home state of Mississippi after marrying in Massachusetts have two children — one adopted and one conceived through in vitro fertilization. However, only one of the women is considered the children’s legal parent. The woman who is not listed as the older child’s adoptive mother and is not the birth mother of the younger child says that the couple raised the children together, but now she has no parental rights, even for visitation. The women separated in 2013, before their marriage was recognized in Mississippi. One served the other with divorce papers in the summer of 2015, after their marriage became legally recognized. As with many divorcing couples, the relationship deteriorated into accusations and counter-accusations. However, unlike many custody disputes, one spouse isn’t recognized under the law as a parent of the children involved.

You do what you can to be a great parent to your child after a divorce, but does it seem like your ex just doesn’t trust you? One woman said that she thought her and her spouse would be able to split up cleanly and move on, but things didn’t go nearly as well as she’d hoped because her ex considered her to be the “other” mom, the one who wasn’t as capable of raising the child. According to her, the following are indicators that this is happening: — Your ex checks up with doctors, teachers and others after meetings that you attended to make sure things went well. — When you have the kids for any amount of time and you drop them back off, your ex wants detailed reports about what you did and when. — Your ex shames you for working too much and not spending as much time with the kids. This can be done in a way that implies that she is the real, caring mother, while you’re not. — Your ex spends time with the kids, while you end up paying child support. — Most of your children’s possessions end up at your ex’s house. A toy bought as a birthday present, for example, may go to the house when the next custody switch happens, and you’ll never see it again. Knowing what these signs look like can be important even as you’re still working through the divorce. The two of you will need

Divorce can be tough for same-sex couples, and it is something that will likely become more common as same-sex marriage also increases in frequency. There have been massive shifts in both law and public opinion over the years, leading to increased rights for same-sex couples. Those who are splitting up must know how their rights may have changed and what the legal process now looks like. As you sort through this, these tips can help make it all easier. 1. Remember that divorce is still a legal process. It’s emotional on your end because the relationship is ending, but try not to take the court process itself too personally. 2. Additionally, don’t make emotional decision — like fighting for assets you don’t even want out of spite. You want to put your negative emotions aside and make calm, rational decisions. 3. Have a support system. This could include your family, your friends, your legal team, or even some of your co-workers. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and get assistance. Don’t think you must do everything yourself. 4. Go through the divorce in a way you’ll later be proud of, without compromising any of your own ideals and values. When you look back, you want to be happy with the decisions you made and the way you acted. You want to know that you stuck with the things you really care about, whether your personal values include love, family, health and well being, or other things entirely. Divorce isn’t easy.